TL;DR – This is a love letter to a woman I love very much.
This is a love letter to Miss Bumblebee. She reads the blog and is the only girl that knows about it.
I can imagine your thoughts as to why I would tell a girl about a blog that purports to explain my process of transforming into a Player – “the changing nature of a man” as the title suggests.
I took a risk – I decided that I would tell the truth, that as women craved leadership, guidance and masculine direction to lead them down the road of relationship and children, I too would show the truth of what I wanted and who I was as a man.
I wanted sex. I wanted validation. I wanted to feel that I had dominance over women and could seduce them through charm and power. I wanted to overcome the demon of being a fat kid. I want to be attractive to women, channeling my masculine energy to give them peak sexual experiences. That’s what I wanted.
But with Bumblebee I was reminded of what it was like to be Blue Pill – romantic, boyfriend-like, emotional. I was in love – I still am in love with her – and I like the fact that I felt all these things without needing Game or seduction or power plays.
I asked a lot of guys in the seduction community about love. Many threw the same platitudes at me: oneitis, women can never love you in the way that you love them, love is a skill, etc.
So I came to a conclusion, drawing on the words of an Address in Freemasonry:
“he bears his furrowed brow and presents his bosom fearlessly to the midnight storm”.
Men in the Red Pill/seduction community are afraid of expressing themselves. They are fearful of love. They are fearful of emotion. They are fearful of the loss of power that accompanies an expression of feeling. They suffer from a “failure to feel”, much like my father, so they can stay in control.
I am determined to not be that cardboard cutout Red Pill seduction guy.
I am my own man.
My family and I arrived in Pisa on a cheap flight from Berlin. My brother and his then girlfriend had planned a two week trip through Italy – describing it as the last great family trip for all of us.
I was accompanied by son – it was the first overseas trip since I split with my ex and the longest period I had taken care of him on my own. Five weeks with a two year old.
We arrived at the Tower of Pisa, rounding the corner to find this incredible structure replete with a church and a baptistery. It was a huge piazza and I was amazed at how very few photos showed the extent of the area.
Chinese tourists mingled and approached my son, not asking for permission to pick him up and take a photo with him. I liked that, surprisingly.
Dad and my brother took silly photos of hands pushing the tower over, the kind of shots you’d get for posterity. It was sweet.
Dad, rounding out almost 78 years, came over to be with me. My family had separated from us and we looked longingly at the Tower.
I was reminded of the difficult year that had passed. My ex had left me, I ended up living with my parents at 36, my Dad had discovered an auto-immune disorder that had driven him to the brink of suicide, my Mum had lost control and wanted to leave the house and the marriage, and I had been sexless and angry and lost for 12 months. It was an Annus Horribilus.
I asked him what he thought of the Tower:
“Dad, be honest with your feelings. Now is the time. Just let go.” I placed my hands on his shoulders: “How do you really feel looking at this Tower?
His eyes watered up – so did mine – and he finally told me something real:
“It’s wonderful. I’m so glad that I could be here with all of you.”
He no longer suffered from a failure to feel.
My ex-father-in-law, from a relationship with a Colombian girl many years, was an exceptionally tough and passionate man.
He embodied all the qualities of strength, dominance, seduction – and emotion.
I laugh as I read some of the trite on Twitter – men who encourage me to throw my son off a cliff for crying, absurd commentary on not expressing emotion with women.
This man – my ex-father-in-law – let’s call him Neruda. He was a warrior, a poet and an artist.
He grew up at a time when, walking home from school, he would discover men strung from trees with their throat cut and tongue pulled through. He was in the Colombian Army in the early fifties – exceptionally under-resourced and a rabble. He travelled around the continent selling pharmaceuticals and wooing women.
And he loved Neruda and poetry. It took him 35 years to get to La Isla Negra in Chile to see where the poet lived and wrote. When he arrived in Chile, he expressed himself freely, crying and rejoicing the arrival.
He lived strongly and he felt even more strongly.
I am so glad to have had him in my life.
He reminds me of what a man can be when he decides to live freely.
I Learnt Many Great Lessons From My Father
One of the opening quotes is something that resonated with me for a long time. It was from a speech Jim Carrey gave at a university graduation. As he concludes the quote below, there is a moment – a micro-expression – of deep grief for his father.
“My father could have been a great comedian but he didn’t believe that that was possible for him, and so he made a conservative choice. Instead, he got a safe job as an accountant and when I was 12 years old he was let go from that safe job, and our family had to do whatever we could to survive. I learned many great lessons from my father. Not the least of which was that: You can fail at what you don’t want. So you might as well take a chance on doing what you love.”
The purpose behind the blog, behind seduction, behind being good with women – is because I failed at what I did not want for my life.
Dear Miss Bumblebee,
I know you have asked me why I am doing all of this.
I have a demon inside of me that said I would never again let a woman decide the kind of relationship for my life.
When I dropped my son off to live with his mother, I felt like I had failed. I had failed at being good and so decided I would live a life of truth.
I failed at something I did not want.
I decide for myself that I would always choose the kind of women I wanted in my life, and the the kind of relationship I want with them. That’s it.
I was – I am – deeply in love with you in a way that I have never experienced. But I know that between us, you want a life of marriage, cohabitation and children. I cannot do that.
I would prefer to love myself – and my own choices – than be with you and feel that I was not a complete man.
I am becoming a complete man by taking control of my own life and relationships – including ours.
I genuinely care for you. This sexual roller coaster of women is simply a way I discover my power as a man.
For the first few months when we were together, we were in a bubble of excitement, lust and love. It was very strong between us.
The feeling deepened and we travelled overseas together. There I realised that my plan of being sexually free had hit a wall – I was angry and ashamed as a man to feel that I had “committed” to you sexually yet wanted to fuck many girls around me. In fact, the purpose of the trip was that.
Infidelity used to bring me a lot of shame, as if I was making a deep mistake as a man. Now I feel free and do not feel any shame for my sexuality or desire. Man are by design like this – and so are women.
The Red Pill is the truth of evolutionary biology, and teaches many harsh realities about intersexual dynamics between men and women.
It teaches men about Alpha – characteristics in men which sexually arouse women and provide the best indicators of genetic fitness. Men with power, physical strength, doing what he wants, speaking his mind, having a purpose, and expressing his desire freely.
It teaches men about Beta – characteristics in men which make women feel provisioned for (resources) and safe in their lives. Men with tenderness, empathy, and compassion.
Women crave both of these qualities in men – sexual arousal and safety/security.
I gave you both of those experiences.
This is why your previous loves were safe and secure but they did not generate the passion and excitement you craved, the sheer lust, the fucking, the dirtiness.
I was that guy. The guy you wanted to fuck. Uncontrollably. All the time.
That dirty guy – me – who fucked you in the park on my birthday. When I dragged you downstairs to that empty room at the birthday party. When we came home one night from tango and I stripped you down in the hallway and fucked you there before you rode me on the lounge. When you dressed up as a schoolgirl. When you dressed up as a Bumblebee.
That was thrilling and exciting for you.
But a guy like me wants to experience that with many women because most women do not experience it. Alphas cannot be contained.
I cannot contain this energy just to you. I want to share it with other women. This journey of the last six months has been to discover in every way possible how to seduce women. That’s the purpose of this blog – to document that journey.
For a time you felt that I would change, I would become loyal to you – and only want you. That is not me. I would be lying to myself if that was the case.
And I promised myself when I dropped off my son that I would never again lie to myself about what I want. It’s not just about sex – it’s about the freedom to live the life that I want. My world. And my world is not your world.
My world is about seducing women – single, with a boyfriend, married. About giving them exciting experiences and adventure sex. About romancing them and putting them in a love bubble. About letting women enjoy themselves sexually – with other men, with other women, at sex parties.
The blog is a dirty account of women – shocking even for you. Women crave the Alpha and Beta in a man, but sometimes the man does not have both. So sometimes she will seek out other men – exciting Alpha men who give her pleasure – and then return to her Beta boyfriend or husband.
Women cheat. Women fuck for pleasure. Women love dominance. Women love darkness and danger in men.
Women also love the light – the love, the tenderness, the affection, the sweetness. But in life I think women receive too much of this and not enough excitement.
And in my life I have spent too much time in the light. Now I want to be dark.
I remember a sad conversation we had about our lives, how each of us wished we had had a mentor to guide us through and teach us what we needed to know so that we would not spend our lives going in circles.
I learnt that harsh lesson at 34 – that despite being good, being a father, being a man trying to do his best, I was never an Alpha, never a man that my woman would find arousing and attractive. Being good was a lesson in failure.
At 37 I started studying intersexual dynamics – what makes women really attracted to me. I studied the Red Pill, Game, seduction, evolutionary biology, fashion, fitness, female psychology, sex skills, and everything I could find to help me make sense of what had gone wrong.
It works. It makes women more attracted to me. They want me, they desire me, they get excited by me. It’s a power that I have never had.
And I see you now – a woman who feels betrayed that life did not give her a loving husband and children and a happy life. You feel the curse of your family, about why none of you decided to have children and carry on the family line.
For a moment there I wanted to be your White Knight and rescue you from your sadness – but then I realised, I had done that to the previous women in my life … and they were no happier. I went so far as to have a son to a woman I was not in love with.
I love children. My son is the greatest gift to me – and as I hold him up in the light I see myself in him. (Well, hopefully he’s mine!) You thought I would be a great father to children of yours – but you could not trust me enough to stay and commit to you.
You like me – you have loved me – because I have given your life direction and purpose. You see me as a leader, as a lover and as a father. You see me as the most attractive man in your life. And you have seen me in love and excited to be by your side.
Yet life has failed both of us. It has not taught us at an early age what makes men and women happy in their lives.
But for me I decided I would find out how to be a bigger man and live my own life.
And with great sadness, that life is without you. I cannot be the Good Guy by your side – it is not me. It is not my plan. It is not my world.
Some final words: I fell in love with you at a time before any of this – Game, seduction, etc. It was completely natural between us. I am thankful for that experience – it was never manipulative, just something that naturally occurs between human beings. I hold that close to me as something special, something I treasure. With someone I won’t forget.
We can now both look up and whistle while we walk so that our tears will not fall.
Lots of love,
Always and forever,