Lay Report 007 – Scout

TL;DR: Dinner with YoyloPUA led to a late night fuck with an Aussie chick who closed ME in record time! Floundering dick behaviour, cigarettes, booze and emergent erectile power – one very WEIRD night.


I had met YoyloPUA a few weeks back. He was a self-confessed DJ and we set up a time where he would show me how to play vinyl and CDJ decks. In return I would help him with winging for his nascent daygaming journey.

We bonded over super-priced Pioneer mixers and turntables, sipping red wine and talking about Game interspersed with dropping the bass and breakdowns. (Hey, I’m an acoustic musician).

Dinner at the Pub

As we strolled up the street, we bumped into a group of South American students wheeling a chair up to the intersection. It was a great prop and I opened the group and joked with a few chicks that the guy pushing it had to take them up to Central Station in the chair. Inane – but it was stepping stone to the Brazilian that I opened when we got to the other side of the lights.

There, as I spoke to the lovely Juliana from Porto Alegre, I noticed two women sitting down at a table, one of which gave me an IOI. Yoylo was at a distance watching the Brazilian and I – and in the end I closed the set and didn’t bother with the number.

The chick had gone inside the pub – let’s call her Scout. I spoke to the friend at the table, a middle-aged blonde: “so where’s your friend?” She responded with a thick Irish accent and said she was inside.

At the bar Scout was there ordering a round of gin-and-tonics. I joked to her that she had left blonde outside at the table. The hook set in quickly and she asked: “what’s your name?”

I mentioned that Yoylo and I had been working on the turntables — subtle DHV (but totally unnecessary I found afterwards) – and we chatted for a bit. She invited us outside but declined.

At The Table

Yoylo and I ordered dinner and Scout could see us through the window. I signaled “five minutes” with my hand and she came inside to talk to us. A strange conversation ensued about her living at her mother’s, how she and Blondie had been drinking since 4:30pm and … then she asked for my number. Straight number close.

Then she just went in and kissed me on the lips.

Later Blondie came in and I joked that Scout had sent her wing to reinforce the deal. “Not required”, I said. We riffed on Angela’s Ashes (“I hate that fucking movie – it’s miserable fucking shite!”) and later I said we’d be out to smoke with them.

“Miserable fucking shite!”


We go outside to smoke and the Bouncer – a good 180kgs – ushers us over to the gutter. Blondie gives him a Cork Deathstare but relents as her G-and-T was still full on the table and she didn’t want to get kicked out.

“Man, that guy needs to spend more time at Decorum School and less time in the Ice Cream aisle!” I riffed.

“I can’t believe you just said that!” Scout gives me a punch.

“Hey, you a public or private girl?”

“Public – not a fan of private sector”

“No – I’m talking about makeouts”. I grab her hand and take her into the entrance and start making out with her.

“Am I going to be a guest in your house?”

It was a school night and I needed to go to work the next day. “No – not tonight”. She insisted and I told her no, despite having an erection in my pants. I was fucked and drained from the Colombian on Tuesday and squats during the day.

The Bouncer came back up to us and shooed us on as we had continued making out.

Sydney is fucked.

From Bouncer to Bounce

I got a text from her as I was waiting for the bus. Yoylo had long gone by now and I relented and asked her to come over.

Me: “Any guest in my house stays in my bed”

She: “I can agree to that rule”.

Me: “Let me put on the coffee pot …”

She turned up soon after and we laughed and carried on as she took my photo and sent it to Blondie.


Inside, she took her shoes off and we started undressing quickly. She fussed over the zipper/button combo on the jeans and I de-kitted her of the winter drab layers which adorned her due to her boring government job.

And then … she stood there naked in my hallway …. Red Quest ( came to mind in that moment (man – why does this happen?!) and I thought – wow! – this chick was UNBELIEVABLY HOT naked.

The curves, the waist, the breasts, the fine tattoo on her back, the tan, the bikini line, and all the proportions were breathtaking.

“Allow me to objectify you – you are stunning!”

On The Bed

I tossed her on the bed and we hit a hot water bottle I had left there. My dick was floundering and flaccid due to hitting another chick on the Tuesday (report to follow) and doing squats in the gym earlier that day.

So I got her down on the floor and facefucked her for a bit. Surprisingly, Rivelino ( did not come to mind in that moment … but he did reappear momentarily during the second sideways facefuck! (Thanks Riv!)

My dick continued to flounder – on, off, on, off. I took her off the bed and pounded her from behind, looking down at this incredible thing before me. The words of Talking Heads came to mind.

“You may ask yourself, well, how did I get here?”

The on-ing and off-ing went on for awhile and she asked me if I thought she was hot enough. The lamp flickered on and off intermittently – and at this crucial moment the light turned off.

“What is this – a fucking Siri lamp?” She said.

“Nah, it’s one of those clappers from the eighties”. I joked.

We laughed and I told her that I had issues with my prolactin and was in the process of getting it fixed. It was funny, open, and emotional – and I didn’t really care and neither did she. I don’t think I have ever fucked with so much humour and silliness in my life.

I slapped her on the thigh with my dick and joked that the dick-brain nexus had been broken lately. I broke you, she said. I retorted:

“Can’t leave a hot piece like you lying in bed without fucking the shit out of you”.

Thumbing It

I put my thumb into her arse and noticed that it was quite … well-lubricated. She had the perfect arse and was clean shaven, just like Peach (Lay Report 004 – Peach).

“Go on, tell me when you wanted to fuck me,” as I thumbed her. “This is an interrogative pose”. I thought of RP Musicology’s interrogative techniques as he extracted sexual information from the women he seduced (Thought Bubble 006 – Extracting Sexual Information From Women)

“Pretty much as soon as you talked to me in the bar. But you didn’t get the signals”.

“Not true – I said no because I knew I wanted to fuck the shit out of you and my dick’s kinda doubting itself now”.

We took a break and had a G-and-T and talked for a bit. It was wide-ranging and diverse – eclectic I think was the word – and for some bizarre reason we got onto literature and she asked me which book was Scout from.

“Well, you tell me what her lawyer father’s name was … and her neighbour.” She paused. “You lost … you kinda like smart guys in the know … his name was Atticus and the book was To Kill a Mockingbird”.

She then leaned over and gave me a HUGE kiss: passionate and sensual – and I immediately got hard and fucked her properly for a good 30 minutes in all sorts of positions, cumming on her belly.

“Don’t go”. She pulled me down and the cum stuck between the two of us.

“Hey, I like cuddling but this is new for me. I get it – you think I’m one of those dudes who runs off when you want to cuddle.”

“Yeah, kinda – either than or chucking a roll of toilet paper at me to clean up”.

I really liked the banter of this chick and missed this from other girls.

Aussie chicks, for all their lack of grace, can be incredibly fun.

The Post-Fuckery Chat

If Lay Reports lack sexual detail, they also lack the conversation and banter and post-sex exchange that goes on.

We talked for a good two hours while smoking in an enclosed room (“what is this? The 1990s” she joked) and drinking gin, interspersed with more fuckery.

She told me about:

1. An ex-boyfriend of hers who “forgot” to tell her about the affair he was having.

2. Another ex-boyfriend who was a professional skateboarder and locked her up and beat her.

3. Her love of murder mysteries and violence. “It makes you wet, right?” I joked. She agreed. We talked about Ted Bundy but she preferred the Zac Efron version.

4. She was a high-functioning alcoholic and had been in rehab a couple of times.

5. She spent a lot of time in Europe and hung around Amy Winehouse and Lily Allen.

6. She liked black guys mostly however had found me “very attractive” and decided she wanted to fuck me within seconds of me saying hello. Apparently I was the “transitional guy” and made her “change her mind”.

7. She had a pet lizard, had been tied up Shibari style, had played “bisexual” before however preferred alcohol addiction to sex addiction. “You keep your used sex toys”, she said.

8. She was from the Northern Beaches of Sydney, had lost her virginity early and had wasted most of her 34 years of relationships going nowhere. She was amazed at how well put-together I was. “Man, you have a kid – how cool is that!”

9. Her father had died when she was two and that her life was so fucked up she could never even contemplate being a mother. “Besides, the father would just disappear anyway and leave my kid with fucked-up-me”.

During this bizarre exchange, I kept on looking down at her body and telling her how hot she was. She blocked this jokingly and said she was overweight from her trip in Europe. I sucked on her tits in protest and ate her out while she sat on my face.

“Hey, in couched third-person terms – not referencing other women – you are in my opinion HOT!”

We did this bizarre dance of her talking about ex-boyfriend and lovers while I had to talk in the “theoretical third person”. It was fun. She even kept the ex-boyfriend tales going while my dick was inside her.

“Look, I don’t normally fuck and talk about other guys at the same time”, as I railed her.

Second Round

“Seriously, the only thing that’s going to stop this non-stop talk between us is if we go back to fucking”.

So we did. This time I was super hard and passionate. As I grabbed her arse like two melons, I whispered to her that I liked fucking like this – passionate, sensual and not always choking the shit out of her. She agreed.

I flipped her over and she sat on top of me:

“Ohh I could just fuck all night” she let out.

This went on for a good hour but she was unable to cum. Eventually I put a finger in her arse, two in her vagina and fingered her until she came hard. “You’ve left a micro tear” she laughed.

“It was painful right – but a good kind of pain?” I joked. (Thanks again Riv!)

In The Morning

I made her coffee and looked at my desk next to the bed – cigarettes, booze, coffee, lube, potato chips. What had my life become?!

She went to have a shower and I caught her in the hall and ripped off her towel. I forced her to look in the mirror and whispered to her that he was attractive, beautiful and – “in my best objectifying voice” – HOT! She cringed and couldn’t look at herself.

The kit went back on after a shower and I dropped her at work. A brief kiss later and she was off.

Later she texted me that she hated her life, was grabbing a Coke, and later texted to say she had taken sick leave as her nose was bleeding and that she vomited in a pub toilet.

“Call me Atticus”, I wrote.

“Better than Dad”, she wrote back.


I texted Magnum ( and pretty much summed up what would happen next:

Knowing this Aussie chick, she will be so low self-esteem that she won’t come out again as she won’t be able to understand why any top guy would want to hang with a fucked up chick like her.

Man – pick-up is such a ride!

3 thoughts on “Lay Report 007 – Scout

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