TL;DR: Quick thought bubble on the disconnect in desire with women you meet online. Also sadness with 25+ women and starting a seduction from Step One.
RP Musicology and I were talking about the strange phenomenon of “desire dissonance” and “overtones of sadness” experienced on dates when you meet a girl online.
Some guys do not experience it; perhaps for RP and I, we are emotionally sensitive and can feel the vibe and sense of the girl.
Online Dating and Sex
The table below highlights a major trend in the increasing isolation of American males in relation to sex.
The chart in particular shows a sharp increase in sexlessness from about early 2011/2012.
Curiously, the major swipe online app Tinder was introduced in 2012 – an app based mostly on one parameter – looks.
Seems obvious, right?
I might be attributing too much to this one major change but I cannot see any other explanations being put forward.
Tinder allows for very few masculine qualities to be presented to a woman in an online format. While we know that women value looks in a man (and find most men physically unattractive), we have created a platform where it is the only metric for a woman.
Combine a positive match on Tinder with sexual desire and you create a possible “desire dissonance” where sexual desire is built on one quality only.
I suspect that Tinder has facilitated a huge amount of anonymous sex for women with a smaller pool of men. I wonder what the psychological consequences (not moral consequences – I don’t see it from that prism) are of mechanised looks-based seduction so-to-speak.
Example – The Economist
I went on a date with a hot 20 year old German Colombian girl (“The Economist”) while in Berlin. This chick was HOT and joked that no guy ever said no to her.
We had a great date over drinks and dinner. I asked her why she reached out to me:
“Your pics – that was it”.
At the end of the date I started physically escalating on her however she seemed like a cold fish and was unresponsive to it – not saying no, just unresponsive.
In the end I let her go because I felt there was very little desire on her part.
It felt almost transactional.
From my experience, “desire dissonance” is when you meet a girl online and establish some “online chemistry” only to meet and find that there is no chemistry in person.
What is that sensation?
I suspect it is for a few reasons:
1. You have already formed a connection without assessing for DNA genetic compatibility and desire
2. The connection may induce you to attribute desire to the person even when it is not there
3. It might feel like a post-purchase rationalisation where you are trying to justify your “purchase” of the person.
Another example of “desire dissonance” is when a woman decides to go off the Pill in order to get pregnant to a long-term partner. Some women describe the experience as totally losing desire for their partner or not being able to tolerate their smell. DNA compatibility is very important in desire.
Overtones of Sadness
RP Musicology talks about a general “overtone of sadness” experienced on dates with girls he has met on Tinder.
It is a difficult sensation to describe – a general malaise and sense of a lack of genuine excitement when meeting each other.
Some of these women could be described as having a Borderline Personality Disorder and tend to be older women 25+.
It is hard to assess where the sensation comes from. RP Musicology speculates on this:
1. Women are not bringing any value to the date except the offer of sex
2. Women are lacking emotion in their interactions with the guy
3. Women have transactionalised the process of sex
The last one tends to ring true – by “transactionalisation”, women feel a desire to have sex and then choose the easiest outlet without emotion.
Pure, physical sex can be very exciting for a woman but when it is emotionless a man can often sense it. It’s like the lowest form of sexual interaction.
It may also amount to a masculinisation of sex for women where they forego any bonding process (ie. oxytocin, cuddling post-sex) in order to facilitate the hookup.
Seduction Starting From Step One
Nash and I have talked about how exciting it is to start a seduction from Step One – when you first cast eyes on each other.
Of all the seductions I’ve had in my life, I remember the moment that I have cast eyes on those women for the first time. None of these true seductions have been from online.
I suspect that a seduction starting from Step One creates:
1. a full romance/seduction narrative for the woman (and less so for the man)
2. higher levels of dopamine in males and females (due to delayed gratification)
3. A greater sense of that “knife edge” feel where the seduction can go ether way
Taking a risk to approach a girl is one of the most exciting and scary things a man can do.
Online filters out this step as you have already accepted the premise that you are attractive to each other.
Daygame (or any other non-online game) could be figuratively described as “old school” seduction.
Complaints from Top Guys
Last night I went out with two “woke” German guys – 19 and 21. They were attractive guys, good with women and “woke” in the sense they genuinely understood intersexual dynamics.
One of the complaints from the younger guy was how easy it was to get sex these days. He felt that there was no challenge or excitement to it and specifically targeted older women who would make him put in some effort. This was a very unusual view from a young guy.
The older guy also complained about how there was a lack of romance with the women he had hooked up with. One time he even suggested ice cream and going to the movies with a girl he had hooked up with so as to create some romance with her! He even suggested treating a girl like a princess for a bit just to create some kind of different feeling with her.
This is very unusual talk from young guys – overly empathetic and seeking something more than the average hookup.
So the melancholy appears to be spreading among men as well.
Ode on Melancholy
Finally, in the words of Keats: